The Woman I Wish I Could Be

This was a comment on this video regarding fleeting reflections about detransitioning.  

I'm almost two years into (nonbinary) social transition, though I'm planning on T/top surgery within the year. Still dealing with family, still passing exclusively as a (mostly "pretty"/straight) girl in public. I and my friends/partners are good about seeing past that, but there are moments - days, even - where I look in the mirror and am pleasantly surprised to see the attractive young woman everyone else sees right there. Staring back at me. Like she's been here all along. 

Especially being the huge gynephile that I am, I can't help but think to myself, "Common, Adriaan! Why would you give this up? Have you even totally realized that you could BE that person? She's so pretty. And strong. And genuine. And feminist. That girl is the same person that's done all of this personal growth and liberation and stuff you've been doing since you came out. Think how much cooler it would be for a girl to be the beneficiary of all this work you've put into yourself. That's within your reach, it's your birthright, you're 100% free to do it, you're liberated and beautiful now... Okay, it'd be hard, but you're powerful enough to handle it. Dysphoria's just another problem, you're totally tough enough to suck it up and deal with it. Lots of women have body issues. Oh my god, this must be what all the girls in my life feel when they hit feminism! I could do that, I could be like them! 

"Plus, think about it, it'd take a lot less time & money & bullshit than this whole transition thing. No freaking out your family, no more financial anxiety, you could use your transition fund on grad school, or paying for your own apartment... That makes a lot of economical sense. Is this what it feels like to be a cis person? That's a great idea, no wonder so many people are cis. Eureka! Adriaan, why haven't you considered this before? You could totally pull it off!"

...But after x amount of time getting high on excitement, I realize how hilariously dissociated that whole thought process is, how unsustainable it is to live off of transphobic internal pep talks. I can't be someone I'm not. I can lose myself in the fantasy of this woman I wish I were as much as the rest of the world seems to, but it feels like some kind of ridiculous imagination game, this 24/7 real-life RPG thing. I can't help that I'm ... just me.

And the person I ACTUALLY AM - really, truly, authentically - has gotta be more beautiful than any fantasy.