Monosexuality

Am I monosexual? Does monosexuality exist? Can we be nonbinary and still only attracted to one gender? (Sigh. You wouldn't think these questions would be necessary, but they feel so necessary.) This was the prompt. I posted this as a comment on Facebook.

I would say yes, with some qualification. Bear with me.

I've spent a lot of time queer theorying my life, trying to dismantle monosexist/heteronormative/homonormative/cissexist/(trans)misogynistic ideas. I've also had a long history of Gay Problem: "do I want to be that or fuck that?" In middle school, before I knew I was allowed to be attracted to girls, I couldn't figure out why I was staring at them all the time, so I figured I must either be "creepy" or jealous. I spent the next few years discovering an almost exclusive sexual attraction to women, but aesthetically I still thought some guys were very pretty - although I usually had to frame them in those feminine terms. In college I tried to call myself gay because of that, but later I figured it was stupid to group people arbitrarily into two groups like that, especially if I were still experiencing fleeting attractions to people in the "wrong" group. So I letting myself consider male-bodied people (often transfeminine, always very feminist) and female-bodied people that weren't "my type" attractive to me in their own ways... Because just conceptually, I despise the idea of deciding you have one type and everyone else is sexless. Just seems so black and white!

The past year or so, though I've ended up in quite a number of very confusing sexual situations with people I'm not into "like that" - this deep random panging longing that people I'm fucking had boobs or hips or were smaller or whatever, guilt that I feel the need to relate to their bodies as though they were just differently-proportioned female bodies, guilt that everything I find most attractive about them seems to be their most feminine traits. Put on top of that the fact that I have literally no idea what to do with dicks until I'm big spoon and giving a hand job, such that I'm touching it as though it were my own.... Ugh.

Guilty sex is stupid, so I've slowly been trying to come to terms with my extremely pronounced, uncomplicated, boringly monosexual attraction to femininity and women. While still in three relationships with a cis man, MAAB enby, and cis woman of not-my-type, respectively (in addition to one relationship with a post-op trans woman who actually is). Trying to figure out how my apparent monosexuality relates to my strong panromantic-queerplatonic tendencies. Trying to figure out to what extent random, impulsive, fleeting, confusing (though often impassioned) desires to be sexual with the people I'm in these queerplatonic-romantic relationships with is a desire to smash the binary, or feel homoerotic tension, and to what extent it's authentic. Oh, and of course now I'm staring at every well-groomed long haired man that passes me on the street with the same longing/jealousy/Gay-Problem-whaaat with which I used to stare at girls.

tl;dr - nothing about me or my life seems like it'd be conducive to monosexuality but it seems to be a thing